You may disagree with what I’m doing, but go ahead and just try to show me where it says this is illegal.

That’s right, honey, you can’t just tell me it’s wrong to sneak into our neighbor’s garage, plug in an extension cord, and run it back to our house; you’ve got to back that up. Cite your sources. Tell me exactly which law it is I’m breaking. And I’m sorry, it doesn’t count to just say “It’s illegal to steal electricity.” Open up your law book and show me the proof. Oh, you don’t have a law book? Yet you feel confident enough to tell me that I’m breaking the law? How strange. How very strange.

Look, I just figured that our heating bills were so high last year that we needed to do something different. So, instead of buying heating oil, I spent far less money on a lengthy extension cord and a Sunbeam Quartz Tower Heater. See, I was trying to save us money, just like you’re always doing. Do I yell at you when you cut out coupons? No. I say, “thanks for looking out for our financial well-being.” Okay, maybe I’ve never said that, but I’ve nodded in a way that implies as much.

What do you mean we can’t heat our entire house with this thing? It’s got a maxflow fan system that distributes warm air deep into the room, and a carry handle so we can pick it up and take it into any room in the house. As long as we’re always both in the same room, we’ll be fine! And you also don’t need to worry about it being a fire hazard; it’s designed to be safe. Like if you tip it over or the unit starts to overheat, it’ll turn itself off automatically. So basically it’s an affordable, non-dangerous way to heat our house… one part at a time. I just don’t understand how you can disagree with any part of this!

And don’t worry about Mr. Jetters; he’s old, alone, and has a pension. What else is he going to spend his money on if not to get us through the winter? Not to mention, he can barely see, so even if he does find the extension cord, he’ll probably just think it’s a snake and spend all day “chasing” it around the yard. Which could provide him with some much-needed exercise. See, honey: everybody wins!

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