Certain younger members of this family have not really been pulling their weight recently. Well, starting now, everyone who weighs, pulls!

That’s right! The gravy train has arrived at its last and final stop, and all passengers must disembark!

Seriously, do you kids have any idea how expensive you are? All you do is eat, outgrow clothes, rack up pediatric bills and topple treasured family heirlooms, shattering them on the floor. (I’m trying not to be mad at you, because I know I should have put it up on a higher shelf, but do you even realize why Daddy’s upset? Do you know what Depression glass is?)

Never mind all that! Today you start learning some practical skills that’ll help you earn your keep around here.

Belly up to the tool bench, tots! This is the first day of your vocational training. I want to see you rebuilding this engine! I want to see you planning home improvement projects! I want to see you familiarizing yourselves with your power tools!

The sound effects and motorized action on these tools make them an excellent introduction to the world of basic carpentry and construction. We’ll make little handypersons out of you munchkins yet!

Honestly, you know I wouldn’t trade any of you kids for all the riches in the world, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you hadn’t been born, I would have built my basement bar by now. Along you came, though, needing diapers and formula and college savings and strollers and carseats and a thousand other things, so priorities got shifted, fine, whatever.

But you’re old enough to start training on the power drill now. And the hammer, and the chop saw, the grinder, the Philips and flathead screwdrivers, pliers, and a five-piece socket set. Yep, today we turned a corner. You’ve always been Daddy’s favorite people, ever since the day each of you was born. But starting now, you’re also on track to be Daddy’s private subcontractors.

Now get to work!

Back to top