“D-d-digital video?” you stammer, sweat beading up along your hairline. “I couldn’t – I m-mean, it sounds…c-c-complicated! There’s no way somebody l-like me could ever do anything like that! I can b-barely figure out how to flush my toilet.”

Silence your pathetic mewling and pull yourself together! You’re an American citizen (we assume)! You can master anything, particularly since the JVC GRD347US Digital Mini DV Camcorder makes shooting digital video as easy as falling asleep during a Lars von Trier film.

The GRD347US lets you compose your shots with the 28x optical zoom and 800x digital zoom, check them on the big 2.5” LCD, and record them to those ever-popular, tres-petite MiniDV cassettes. For maximum simplicity, leave the driving to its one-touch auto mode – or, if you fancy yourself an auteur, feel free to muck about with the settings in manual mode. It’s all on you. You’re the boss. You’re A-number-one, top of the list, king of the hill, A-number-one. Act like it!

As far as the toilet goes, just locate the lever near the top of the reserve tank and depress it gently but firmly until it stops. Then release the lever. Light a candle, if necessary.

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