There’s a scourge in America today, an insidious scourge. It wants to worm its way into our garages, the very garages that are the basis of our family unit. It’s called the Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor. Friends, I’m here to warn you. Warn you before it’s too late.

This Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor is designed to take away your privacy. First of all, it looks just like that fascist symbol of authority, the traffic light. Instead of passing judgment from wires on high, the Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor has an AC adapter that drains your personal electric bill, or if you’re smart enough to bypass that, it demands four AA batteries that only make the petro-chemical sector a little richer each time you use it. And what are the benefits of falling in line with this symbol of the suburban dream home culture? Well, let’s just read the feature list.

“No more mangled golf clubs!” “No more broken lawnmowers!” “No more crushed walls!” And you know what else? No more freedom! No more choices! No more brilliant accidents! Did you know polio was cured because Salk accidentally ran over his fishing pole? Oh, but Big Pharm doesn’t want to talk about that, do they? Because that doesn’t get them the corporate jets!

The Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor is so simple to install, even a child could do it. That’s right, the Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor supports abolishing child labor laws. Maybe it’s built-in screw inserts today, but what about tomorrow, when they’re marching three year olds into the coal mines, all because you wanted an easy way to know how to park?

Friends, the Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor opens up a slippery slope that leads down to a pit of sharp dictatorship knives. I urge you, passionately, stay away from the Easy Park Garage Parking Sensor. The future of your children may depend on it.

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