Hey, Horatio? Can you help me find the bus when it pulls up?

My mom just got me these EarGrips Basic Kid’s Fleece Ear Warmers because she said she can see my ears turn red from four houses away while I’m at the bus stop. I said she could always just take me to school instead and she told me not to get smart. Well what’s smart about having this thing over my eyes like I’m some low-rent Geordi LaForge? I mean yeah, my ears are toasty warm but I can’t see a thing and it’s treacherous out here in the snow. I’m telling you, Horatio, parents today have gone completely off the deep end over child safety. I mean, do non-frostbitten ears really offset the drawback of partial blindness due to fleece sunglasses?

Mom said it doesn’t go across the top of my head so my hair will stay “presentable.” Yeah, ‘cause that’s a huge concern of mine. I tried adjusting the things but…well, Horatio, we’re friends so I’ll tell you. It’s kind of hard to adjust these things without a grown-up. Stop laughing! Once we’re inside and I can take these things off I’m going to beat you with ‘em! No, I guess you’re right. Well I’ll twist these up, drop ‘em in my pocket, and find something much harder than luxurious fleece with which on you I shall wail! Hmm? Thanks. I’ve been getting tutored for Ms. Blumhorst’s Grammar class.

Maybe this is a good thing. Yeah, maybe this will heighten my other senses; y’know, like Daredevil. Maybe I’ll develop amazing kung fu skills and a complete lack of fear. I may be blind, but I’ll have my own built in sonar and incredibly warm ears! I already kinda look like Cyclops with this thing around my head; this is like fate! Horatio, from this day forth, I shall be the Guardian of Parkland North Middle School! No child shall go bullied again! No janitor shall-

What did you say?

It goes around the back of the head?

I really hate my mom.

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