Hello, George. Do you remember me? I’m your old business partner. The one you destroyed.

No, don’t get up. That’s a little joke, you see. I know you can’t get up because you’ve been dead for two years now. I’m sorry I didn’t come to the funeral, I only just recently heard. I was shocked to hear you chose cremation too, but I guess you always were the far thinker. That’s what let you get away with it, all those years ago. Isn’t that the case, George? When you set me up to take the fall?

I guess you remembered all those things I yelled when they dragged me away. When I said I’d get my revenge on you, and burn down your house, and vandalize your grave. Everyone assumed I’d just lost my temper. But I was serious, George. And that’s why I’m here. To make good on my promise.

This? It’s just a Dyson DC28 Animal Upright Vacuum. Root Cyclone power, Airmuscle technology, stuff like that. Even an HEPA filter to catch all that dust and dirt that might spill on the carpet. Like, say, if someone were to knock an urn off the mantlepiece. All those ashes would get sucked right into this Dyson DC28 Animal Upright Vacuum and just stay there, forever, resting in peace where no one could find them. And the HEPA filter’s washable too, so maybe they’d end up going down the drain. Who can say? Certainly not you, George.

But I can say. And I will say. As soon as I plug in this Dyson DC28 Animal Upright Vacuum, you’ll see which one of us was really… no. No! It can’t be! How did the police find me here? I’ve got to finish… got to suck you up into… NO! NO, DON’T COME IN! I’M… I’M VACUUMING THE RUG, YOU CAN’T… NOOOO! NOOOO! IT’S NOT FAIR!! I WAS WINNING! I WAS WINNING AT LAST! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY AGAIN! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAAIR!!!!

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