I, Mildred Gillingham, being of sound mind despite the many indignities I’ve suffered at the hands of my ungrateful and embarrassing family, do hereby designate this instrument as my last will and testament.

To my son, Reinhold, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, with the innovative DECT 6.0 Digital Technology’s improved range and sound quality over existing 2.4GHz and 5.8 GHz cordless phone models, to be held in escrow until such time as he quits that job writing vulgar Internet advertisements and takes a position befitting a son of mine. It’s never too late to go to accounting school.

To my niece, Holly, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, contingent upon her finding a nice man to settle down with. She’s too pretty a girl to stay stuck in that lesbian phase forever.

To my driver, Lucius, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, in recognition of his decades of loyal service, without receiving a raise since 1967.

To my granddaughter, Bryanneah, I leave the base unit and handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, which she may take ownership of when she has gotten her weight down to 115 pounds. You may as well start losing weight now, dear. It’s not going to get any easier once you get out of middle school.

To my lorikeet, Buttons, I leave the remaining sum total of all assets in my estate, real and liquid, including cash, securities, land, fine art, jewelry, gold, and McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces, because that’s the kind of crazy thing that wealthy, mean-spirited old lunatics like me really enjoy.

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