“Reginald, your R&D department is hemorrhaging money. I’ve been reviewing these reports out of Accounting and you’ve got quite a bit to answer for.”

“Yes, sir, I understand that, but we’ve been making great strides…”

“Those great strides better help out my bottom line, professor. You’ve spent an awful lot of my money and now I need results. The holiday season is in full swing, and this company needs something huge from your people to get a Zapi UV Toothbrush Sanitizer in every household. Now what have you got for me?”

“Well, as you know, the popularity of our Zapi UV Toothbrush Sanitizer is at an all-time high. The public loves our fun egg-shaped little wonder, capable of irradiating 99.99% of germs and bacteria, including E. Coli, Strep, and even the H1N1 virus with its germicidal UV light. They’re small, portable enough for travel, and come in a bunch of different colors to choose from.”

“Yes, yes, I already know this, Reggie. Quit stalling.”

“Right, sir, of course. We’ve been thinking about how we might destroy that last .01% of bacteria. So, we’ve been testing out new forms of the sanitizer with other, more experimental types of germ destruction.”

“This better explain these accounting discrepancies, Reggie. One and a half million dollars is nothing to shake a wet germ-infested toothbrush at.”

“We realized that, sir. That’s why we shot four of them into space.”

“SPACE?!”

“Well, we thought we might be able to gauge the effects of cosmic radiation on the bacteria. The results were pretty fantastic, if not quite what we were looking for. Unfortunately, one of the toothbrushes ended up incinerating the others before we could get any real data…”

“Ridiculous! And what about this? Construction of a lead lined holding cell more than sixty miles underground? How do you explain this?”

“Uh, well, that was for the gamma-irradiated bacteria, sir. That one turned out to be a slightly bigger problem than we expected. And greener. Meaner, too.”

“These are astounding failures, professor. Simply astounding. That money is for Research and Development, not so you can play mad scientist. You’ve got one more chance to wow me or, I swear, you’ll be cobbling together chemistry sets out of garbage cans by day’s end.”

“Yes, sir. That’s why I’ve saved the best for last. We’ve subcontracted with a government project that wants to pour a super-strong metal into the bacteria, assuming that it will cause a sort of berserker rage, sending them into the Canadian wilderness, where they’ll be found, without any memories, and slowly become a hero in a long, many year path to redemption.”

”…GENIUS! Good job, professor! I pay you for results, and you’ve certainly come through this time. Carry on!”

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