I’ve reviewed your charts and your test results. I’ve looked over my notes from our previous sessions. And in my considered opinion, you’re suffering from an excess of peace and quiet.

It’s simple, Mrs. Clements. Your children grew up and moved out. Your husband, rest his soul, took his alcoholism and Tourette’s syndrome with him to the grave. And you retired after 28 years as a prison guard. Over the previous decades, your body had built up certain chemical defenses to all that irritation. Now that sources of that aggravation have disappeared, your system is imbalanced, perpetually keyed up for stress that never comes. No wonder that instead of calming you down, your new lifestyle has left you feeling listless and depressed. It may even account for your hair loss.

That’s why I’m prescribing one WowWee Tribot Talking Robot. As soon as you hear its incessant helium-voiced patter, you’ll feel like your old self again. Advanced annoyanetic engineering gives this technological marvel the mentality and sense of humor of a hyperactive, not-terribly-bright 11-year-old boy. You’ll remember just how irritating it is to lean in close to hear a “secret”, only to have someone yell in your ear. I’m also recommending that you set Tribot’s alarm function to wake you up every morning. Not only will the sound really get on your nerves, you’ll have to catch him to turn it off. With those three little wheels, he’s hard to catch, so you’ll start your day with a concentrated shot of aggravation.

But that’s not all. With the tilt-sensitive remote control and poseable arms, I’m sure you can find other ways to help Tribot be the kind of disagreeable pest you need. You can rest assured that he’ll do his part, babbling and chattering and snickering until you just want to punch his stupid silver eyebrows right off his idiotic robot face. Yes, there’s almost no end to the myriad ways Tribot will drive you up the wall – and back to good health.

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