The day I let the cold chase me off of my own patio is the day I start collecting rent from Jack Frost.

We used to have a way of keeping from freezing on our patio. It was called “staying inside.” But then it hit me: is that my patio or not? It’s my name on the deed. It’s my paycheck that pays the mortgage. So you better believe it’ll be my butt parked in that 7-piece cedar patio set.

Born of the same man-reshaping-nature impulse that inspired the Panama Canal, the Three Gorges Dam, and the McRib, the Windchaser Umbrella Patio Heater stakes my irrefutable claim to that patio. Its hot 1500W breath declares “Humanity is triumphant!”, warming one and all who gather beneath its infrared lights, in open defiance of the elements.

But unlike, say, the battle against polio, this particular struggle requires no great effort on humanity’s part. Just attach it to the underside of my patio umbrella, plug it in, and turn it on – no drilling, no propane, no noise. As stirring tales of the human spirit go, it’s not exactly Undaunted Courage. But why should I go trekking across the Louisiana Territory when I’ve got this nice, warm patio all my own?

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