INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mrs. Nosybody: Sorry to barge in like this…

(woohooo clap clap clap)

Mrs. Nosybody: ...but I couldn’t help but notice that big, new Westinghouse TV. How nice for you. Hard to believe you can afford it on your salary.

Kessler: Yeah, my friend Delano Rabinowitz up on 53rd street hipped me to this delectable discount web site – Hey, wait a minute, who are you? And how do you know how much money I make?

Mrs. Nosybody: I’m your wacky neighbor. And I just happened to see your paycheck stub. It wasn’t easy to dig it out way at the bottom of that Dumpster.

Kessler: Now hold on. I’m supposed to be the wacky neighbor around here. And what business is it of yours that I got a 46” Westinghouse LCD for just eight hundred bucks? It’s all legal. It’s not like it’s hot or anything.

Risquéé: Did somebody say hot?

(woohooo clap clap clap)

Risquéé: Because child, when I get a look at that fine TV, I get hot with a side order of bothered. Does it use that ATi Xilleon video processor? Is that a 1366×768 native widescreen?

Kessler: Uh, well, yeah. It’s spectacular. But -

Risquéé: Oooh wee. It must get lonely in here, just you and that built-in HDTV tuner. You ever need some company, you just give me a call. Especially at two in the afternoon. That’s when my story comes on.

Timmy: Whatcha guys doin’?

(woohooo clap clap clap)

Kessler: Now wait a minute, how many wacky neighbors can one wacky neighbor have?

Timmy: Hi, I’m Timmy. I like your TV. My Mom doesn’t like big TVs. She says guys who buy big TVs do it on accounta they got a ‘rectile misfunction and they need to overcabopensate.

Mrs. Nosybody: (to Kessler) Poor boy. His mother’s no stranger to the liquor cabinet, I’ll tell you that much. His middle name is Stolichnaya.

Kessler: That’s nice, Timmy, but run along home now. We’re already packed like sardines in here -

Lumpman: Did somebody say “sardines”? Is it breakfast time already?

(woohooo clap clap clap)

Kessler: No, no, not another -

Lumpman: You know me! I’ll always have another!

Risquéé: Ooh, look at you, you big fine casserole of a man.

Mrs. Nosybody: (to Lumpman) Psst…stay away from her kind. Her bedroom has its own waiting room.

Kessler: Please, please, leave, all of you –

Timmy: (to Risquéé) Hi, I’m Timmy. I like your boobies. They musta been why you won that beauty pageant my mom told me about.

Risquéé: What now, honey?

Timmy: My Mom says you were Miss Silly-Cone of 1995.

Lumpman: Ooh, I could go for a cone right now. Who’s buying?

Kessler: I’m begging you, get out -

Mrs. Nosybody: Haven’t you figured it out yet, Mr. Kessler?

Timmy: My Mom says all us wacky neighbors was condensed to ‘efernal damnation.

Kessler: No…no, it can’t be…Hell is…wacky neighbors…?

Risquéé: It don’t get much hotter than this, child. Now help me straighten my stocking.

Lumpman: Hey, you gonna eat that brimstone?

Back to top