You play your cards right and any evidence of your embarrassing youth will be yours to control.

“I think it’s wonderful that you’re helping me with all this, honey,” she’ll say as she brings the box of VHS tapes down from the attic. “I didn’t think you cared about any of this old stuff. You’ve never shown any interest before.”

Oh, you’ve been interested, alright. You’ve been interested in getting your hands on the “School Plays 1986-95” box since the Great Girlfriend Debacle of ‘93, but don’t let your mother know that. Remember, this is the same woman that figured out where you were when you said you’d be somewhere else, deduced every hiding spot for your dirty magazines, and could shame you for what you were doing in the bathroom without saying a word when you were a teenager. As far as you’re considered, she is Batman. You’re going to have to play it real cool if this little operation is going to work.

“So you say that tiny gizmo can convert all these tapes to digital? That’s lovely.” She’ll pop open the box and look through the tapes inside. “I’d always wanted to do that, but you know me and technology!” Casually explain how the VuPoint Digital Video Converter you brought with you can very simply convert VHS, Beta, DVD, DVR, and camcorder recordings, even capture live television programs, to an SD or SDHC card with just the press of a button. She’ll interrupt you around the time you get to the part about the 30 fps 640 x 480 resolution with audio in ASF format. “Honey, you know I don’t understand any of that nonsense. It’s all Greek to… Oh, look! Do you remember this one?”

Your mother will hold up one of the tapes and grin widely. You read the label and try hard not to wince at the embarrassing memory that hits you like a shame fist. She never did mark the tapes with the names of the plays, just the characters you played. This one reads “The Singing, Skipping Rainbow Dragon And His Basket Of Love”. Your hands will start to shake.

“You were so WONDERFUL in that one. Oh! And what’s this? This is one of Mommy’s favorites! Don’t you remember how FUN this costume was?” This one reads “The Juicy Burger Boy.” This tape contains you in a burger costume that was five times your size. You remember how the pickles wouldn’t stay on and, in an attempt to pick one up during your big musical number “I’m Cheesy And Delicious (But Don’t Eat Me Every Day),” you fell backward into the set and destroyed the whole production. “A shame about the McGillicuddy girl,” your mother will say. “She never did walk again, did she?”

You’ll ignore her and begin to tell her how the included software will allow her to view, organize, and edit her videos on any Windows  machine, but your voice will trail off as your eyes look over the other tapes. “Tap Dancing Butler,” “The Jolly Pumpkin,” “Buy #8,” they’re all there. Sweat starts to form on your brow. Your heart races. Your mind focuses like a laser on what you must do.

Faintly, in what sounds like some far-away place, you hear your mother ask you if you’re okay. As you slip your hand into your pocket and wrap it around the hammer within it, you smile. You will be soon. You will be. 

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