“Hey, Petey, what’s that you got there?”

“I WISH YOU WERE ALL DEAD”

“Barbara, good heavens! Are you possessed or something? It’s just a VTech i6789/6790 5.8Ghz 4-Handset Cordless Phone!”

“I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THIS ANY MORE! I DON’T CARE ABOUT PHONES OR LINCOLN OR ANYTHING! WHY ME? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?”

“Barbara! Where is this coming from? The VTech i6789/6790 5.8Ghz 4-Handset Cordless Phone has a great set of color displays and-”

“DON’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT PHONES, PETEY! DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME ABOUT PHONES! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS VTECH I6789/6790 5.8GHZ 4 HANDSET CORDLESS PHONE! I KNOW ALL ABOUT HOW IT CAN TRANSFER CALLS AND HANDLE CALL WAITING!

“But do you know about the trilingual prompts?”

“Wow! Abraham Lincoln!”

“That’s right, Petey.”

“OH, I DO, YOU NO GOOD STOVEPIPE HAT WEARING JERKFACE, I CERTAINLY DO! I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT PHONES NOW! MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD, SWEPT AWAY IN A BIG PILE OF HANDSETS, ALL BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO PROVE. I HATE YOU, LINCOLN! I HATE YOU AND I HATE PHONES! ALL PHONES!”

“Barbara! Mr. Lincoln, I’m so sorry! No one could hate the VTech i6789/6790 5.8Ghz 4-Handset Cordless Phone!”

“It’s okay, Petey. When I was President-”

“AAAA! NO MORE STORIES!! NO MORE STORIES EVER!! WHY HAVE YOU RUINED MY LIFE, LINCOLN?? WHY?”

“Barbara! Honestly, we think she needs a therapist.”

“Barbara, maybe you should just lie down and… ow! She just threw one of the three charging units at me!”

“STAY BACK, LINCOLN! YOU COME ANY CLOSER AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN!”

“Barbara! Mind your manners!”

“I think maybe I should go, Petey.”

“Okay, well, thanks for the VTech i6789/6790 5.8Ghz 4-Handset Cordless Phone, Mr. Lincoln. Sorry about all this.”

“YOU DON”T DESERVE TO BE ON A MOUNTAIN! I HATE YOU! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER! RUN, LINCOLN! RUN!”

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