The Vortex is the most effective and powerful handheld drink mixer known to humankind. And from what our intelligence tells us, it could be the most powerful handheld mixer in the known Universe.

Ever since ancient times, humankind has struggled to create a handheld drink mixer that would give us mastery of the cosmic secrets of Powered Mixology. Many brave mixolognauts have given their lives in this struggle. But now, finally, the secret is revealed. With a 9000 rpm motor, the Vortex Portable Mixing Glass is our last, best hope for victory over those ridiculous probing aliens.

That’s right, the aliens. That’s what they’re here for. Those abductions and probes have all been to keep us afraid, to keep us down, to keep us from finally inventing a way to mix powdered lemonade or chocolate milk or even protein shakes without even using a blender. But guess what, aliens? It didn’t work. It didn’t work beyond your wildest dreams. Because the Vortex is not just for drinks. The Vortex can also mix up eggs, marinades, instant pudding, even cocktails! This ultra portable 18 ounce mixing glass is easy to transport and fun to use, and you’ll be getting two of them, letting you double fist your mixing. And, of course, you’ll also be defeating aliens each and every time your Vortex whips you up a drink.

That’s because each Vortex Portable Mixing Glass is powered by a stable wormhole tunnel that connects directly to the central power control located in the center of the Montauk Project’s headquarters deep under the surface of 18th Century Mars. If you’re ever there, just take a left at the giant marble horse statue and go down the hall. It’s the door on the right. If you see the timelocked USS Eldridge you’ve gone too far. And naturally, you’ll need two AAA batteries to trigger this wormhole tunnel and get your Vortex Portable Mixing Glass in contact with central power. But the first two AAA batteries are included, just to get you started off right. Think of it as our way of putting Earth first.

Those aliens would do anything to get their hands on this Vortex technology. Be careful. We’re willing to give all humans a two pack of Vortex Portable Mixing Glasses because we know we can trust our own. But once you have them, protect them at any cost! Because right now, around Alpha Centauri, there’s a Grey who wants to make chocolate milk and then breed. And he doesn’t want to use a spoon. He wants to use a Vortex Portable Mixing Glass and your wife or daughter.

Be strong, fellow humans! Vortex for victory!

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