“This is it, Vornado 615L High Velocity Fan. In just a few seconds, your life is going to start! Just as soon as you hear the word-”

“Next!”

“Good morning. Good morning! Sorry, I’m a little excited. I’m here about changing my name.”

“Okay, let’s see. ‘Vornado 615L High Velocity Fan’. Wow, that’s a doozy.”

“Yes, ma’am. It’s the sort of name that might fit a light and portable lifestyle. But I don’t want that. I’m ready to settle down and raise a family.”

“Father was a rock star, huh?”

“Yes, ma’am. But he didn’t leave much to the family after he passed on.”

“Is it true what they say? About his…”

“12 inch blade diameter? Yeah. I inherited that too.”

“Oh, my.”

“And I also got a permanently lubricated motor that requires no oil… but then there’s my name. No one wants to be Mrs. Vornado 615L High Velocity Fan. And it’s hard for me to get a job. A company doesn’t want to have a sales rep with a name like that. I can’t even work a cash register.”

“I bet filling out standarized tests was the worst.”

“Oh, you have no idea. The kids used to… used to tease me about… oh, now I’m crying. I’m crying now. Can I have a tissue?”

“Of course, baby. Take the box.”

“Thank you. You’re very kind. I normally can just move my feelings around like they were a whole bunch of air, and I’m also whisper quiet. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”

“Don’t even think about it. What name are you looking to take?”

“I’m hoping to be known as Bill Smith. It seems so short and easy to write. I’ve dreamed of a name like that for years.”

“Okay, then, Vornado 615L High Velocity… I mean, Mr. Smith, let’s get this paperwork rushed through.”

“God bless you, ma’am. God bless you.”

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