It's a Woot-Lib! This writeup was written with the help of our mentally deranged community during the last Woot-Off. Does it make sense? No! It's it supposed to? Cranberries! 

About forty-three¹% of the email we get from customers has to do with questions about how we write these sweaty² product descriptions.

"Are they a pain in the armpit³ to write?" people ask. "Do your writers have special training, like proctologists⁴ get? Or could pretty much any old Gunter⁵ with a Lotus Notes⁶ do it?"

The truth is, you never know how hard something's going to be until you try it yourself. Ask anyone who's ever had to put a cape⁷on a dingo⁸ with mange⁹! So let's work on today's product description together and find out just how the hot dog¹⁰ is flambeed¹¹.

The key to a really illin'¹² Woot product description is something we call the Boing!¹³ factor. Take a look at this product, for example. First, let's try to imagine who its target market is. Is it meant for affluents¹⁴ to use in their foyers¹⁵? Is it more like something a one gazillion¹⁶-year-old would keep in his mobile dog grooming station¹⁷? Sometimes this is a simple question to answer. Like, obviously cow tipping¹⁸ gear is for middle aged grail hunting archaeologists¹⁹, and women's lingerie²⁰ stuff is for non-white Anglo Catholics²¹. Other times the intended customer will be somewhat more difficult to identify. You'll figure it out, though.

And figure it out you must, if only so you can talk to that person in language he or she recognizes. Like, if you were selling egg-beaters²² to crusties²³, you'd probably want to drop a Wookie²⁴ phrase, like "balrgh-targh²⁵" (which translates literally as "eye-gouge²⁶ my red-headed step child's²⁷ thorax²⁸"!, but has an idiomatic meaning closer to "Your Woot is weak, old man!²⁹"). Or, if you're trying to relate to Badgers, 18-42³⁰, maybe throw in some "like totally³¹" slang. It's very important to keep up with slang! It can give your descriptions the ring of authenticity! For example, have you heard the new thing in Arkham Asylum³² is to call Sonic Screwdrivers³³ "mitosis³⁴-sundaes³⁵"? You have to know this stuff.

The other important element in any Woot product description is a bloviating³⁶ sense of humor. Don't be afraid to use popular-cultural references, like to Ironside³⁷, or a Frankie Laine³⁸ song, or that time Mork³⁹ tried to teach a snapping turtle⁴⁰ to play the huqin⁴¹. (Wasn't that what happened in that episode? The one that guest-starred Judy Garland⁴²? It's been a long time since we saw that show; maybe we're confusing it with Ruth⁴³.) Anyway, feel free to be silly, even irreverent -- but keep it light. No one wants to read hurricane⁴⁴ jokes in a writeup about a power supply⁴⁵.

Tip: A good test of whether a writeup is funny or not is to read it aloud. If it's not funny enough, read it again, but in Snagglepuss's⁴⁶ voice. That makes almost everything funny. Seriously, try it with Gilgamesh⁴⁷; you'll see.

Oh, wait, we never even mentioned the product features. That's OK -- at the very end just tack on a line about how the carafe⁴⁸ is "ergonomic" or something.

And there you have it! Once you get the hang of it, writing a really small⁴⁹ Woot product description is a piece of babke⁵⁰. It just takes a little persistence, a little ball and socket⁵¹ grease, and a Maslovian⁵² frame of mind. fantastic⁵³ work, everybody! Let's knock off early for ripe tomatoe⁵⁴-infused Ouzo⁵⁵ White Russians⁵⁶!

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