You know what saying I really hate? “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Every time some goody-goody spouts that saccharine homily at me, I just tell them “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m allergic to lemons, and if I drank lemonade, giant boils would pop up on the inside of my throat and strangle me to death from the inside out. Whaddya think of that, huh? Huh?” It’s not true, but it usually shuts the Pollyannas up. It’s all in a day’s work for me, Arthur Churlman, host of this installment of You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

Today Woot’s trying to tell us about all the wonderful things the so-called Versa 12” 31-in-1 Ratcheting Wrench can do. All I wanna know is, can it give me a lobotomy? Because that’s what it’s going to take to make me buy this gimmicky little turd. These bunco artists would have you believe that this wrench can fit 31 sizes of nuts and bolts. Well, I just looked in my junk drawer, and the nuts and bolts in there came in maybe four different sizes. Interesting, huh? Have you ever seen 31 different sizes of nuts and bolts? That’s the kind of question Woot doesn’t want me asking. I guess idiots and morons make better customers!

And don’t get me started on the “ergonomic handle”. More like “ergonomic swindle”. I can’t believe the gall of these corporate fatcats, trying to tell me how my hand is shaped, when they’d never deign to shake it. How dare you, Woot and Versa and whoever else you’ve enlisted in your little wrench-fraud cabal? Oh, and get this: they also say the handle is “shock-proof”. Too bad it doesn’t protect the consumer against the shock of realizing that Woot has ripped them off yet again.

I can tell by the constricted feeling in my chest that I’ve said enough. I guess Woot’s hoping that enough children and mental defectives have credit cards out there to make today’s “offer” profitable. Judging by the morons I meet every day, they’re probably right. If you hand these con men so much as one red penny, then the Versa 12” 31-in-1 Ratcheting Wrench isn��t the only stupid tool around here. Until next time, I’m Arthur Churlman – and You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

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