Look out, ladies of West Oaks Shopping Centre. You have no idea what’s about to hit you.

I may not have a hot car or a flattering hairstyle. I may not have gotten my skin condition under control, or broken my Beef-A-Roni addiction (although I’m down to four cans a day now). But when you get one look at my Velocity Micro Ultimate Keyboard manufactured by Creative Labs, well…don’t everybody throw me your underthings all at once.

See, this keyboard is too fly to leave at home. That’s why I worked up this battery harness, so I can carry the keyboard around with me wherever I go, without losing a lumen of its shine. Just check out that ice-cool blue backlighting, the glowing keys, those ultra-smooth ground effects. No, I don’t mind if you bask in the glow. Bask away, baby. What, not bright enough for you? I’ll just increase the lighting level on the keys. It has four, you know.

Four lighting levels, I mean. Not four keys.

It has a lot more keys than that. And five of them are programmable M-keys, for gaming maneuvers beyond the capabilities of normal human keys: continuous fire, weapon switches, and other special moves. Speaking of which, ladies, I have a lot of special moves. And a couple of them have nothing to do with video games.

They’re WordPerfect macros, specifically. The hottest WordPerfect macros you’ve ever seen.

So when you’re walking through West Oaks and you get blinded by a blue glow of sexiness, don’t be afraid. It’s just me and my Velocity Micro Ultimate Keyboard. Anybody know where I can get some spinning rims for this thing?

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