Well, the divorce papers came today. She’s really gone for good. I guess I should’ve seen it coming. I tried to be the man she wanted, God knows I tried. I even thought about buying her flowers once, but there was a long wait to turn left into the flower place. I told her I meant to get her a dozen roses, but did that win me any points? “It’s the thought that counts,” my butt. Some people are never satisfied.

You ask me, the problem wasn’t me, or my gambling, or my selfishness, or my pill-popping, or my dogfighting, or any of the other sob stories she’s been spreading. The problem was that damn Vector 26 LED Rechargeable Work Light. See, I used to have to stop working on my car when it got dark. (I’ve been restoring an ‘84 Escort for about four years now.) But after I got that light, with its high-intensity LED and up to 7 hours of continuous use, its flip-out kickstand and 180-degree rotation, I was free to tinker with that car well into the night. I just shut out the world and worked, dreaming of the day I’d cruise down the boulevard in that Esky, looking just as bad-ass as the day it rolled off the line. Can you blame me?

Well, she can. I tried to reason with her lawyer, man-to-man, but no dice. Probably drives an import. The ironic thing is, she’s the one who gave me the Vector 26 LED Rechargeable Work Light. So maybe she should be divorcing herself. If only I could’ve gotten the judge to see that line of reasoning.

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