“Morning, Al. I said good morning, Al! Al, I’m talkin’ at you, buddy!”

“What? Oh, Morning, Bobby.”

“You sure seem out of it today, Al. Long night?”

“Well… sort of. I saw this movie but… I still can’t figure it out. It was really deep, I bet a million people worked on it.”

“Oh, really? What was it about?”

“Well, that’s kind of the trouble. It starts with this Italian-American butcher who’s trying to find a wife. But then he kills a guy and a jury debates his fate. Right before they pass sentence, he escapes with his best friend and they dress as women and hide with an all-girl band who wind up fighting the Mexican Army.”

“Wow, that’s-

“Wait, wait, that’s just the beginning. After the war, one of them gets an apartment in New York and executives use it to cheat on their wives. This gets noticed by a group of seven cowboys who join forces to clean up the place, and then there’s a war crimes trial. And in the meantime, two rival gangs start a dance-off!”

“I think I know what you-”

“Then one of the gang members goes to Alcatraz, which turns out to be a hidden island fortress infiltrated by James Bond, but not in time to stop them from brainwashing a soldier to assassinate the President. The only people who can help are a team of imprisoned soliders, but they first have to steal a rare diamond from under the nose of an inept police detective. And that’s just the first half!”

“Al, let me ask you, was this movie spread across over forty DVD discs?”

“Yeah! It was! I figured it was just an art flick.”

“And Al, did it end with a boxer past his prime preparing for a fight that would be observed by a pair of brothers who went on a trip to Vegas while James Bond fought against a gay couple who wanted Charlton Heston to help the people of Rwanda?”

“You’ve seen it!”

“Al, you idiot, you watched the United Artists 90th Anniversary DVD Collection. Thirty different movies like Rocky and Midnight Cowboy and The Magnificent Seven and West Side Story and The Alamo.”

“What? No, no, I clearly remember a magical flying car that Steve McQueen wanted to steal.”

“That was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Thomas Crown Affair. Al. Tell me something, how long have you been awake?”

“Well, some of these discs have bonus features, so I guess about three or four days straight.”

“And you never wondered why the movie was so long? Or why it had three different people playing James Bond in Dr. No, The Spy Who Loved Me and Goldeneye? Or why it kept going from color to black and white?”

“I just figured it was a multi-generational epic.”

“A multi-generational epic that contained some of Hollywood’s greatest dead movie stars?”

“Well… maybe, CGI…”

“I pity you, Al. I pity everyone you come in contact with. You don’t deserve a United Artists 90th Anniversary DVD Collection Boxed Set.”

“Oh! i just figured out Dustin Hoffman’s character! He’s a pimp with pneumonia that turned into autism! Oh, sorry, sorry, I guess that was a spoiler, huh?”

“That’s Midnight Cowboy and Rainman, Al. Go take a nap.”

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