Anyone who was alive during the early 2000’s will remember the Uniden 5.8GHz Digital Cordless Phone System. Together with their father Walter Uniden, the handset trio of Roger, Anna, and Walter, Jr. brought their infectious, pristine “digital sound” to homes across America. But few fans realized the power that Walter, Sr. held over his children, driving them to the pinnacle of the field – but at what cost?

Roger Uniden, handset #1, brother: We were just a bunch of kids, really. Performance, looking good, sounding good – it just came easy to us, and we were enjoying it. We didn’t realize we were being manipulated.

Walter Uniden Sr., base unit, father: Look, anything those kids say now is just sour grapes. I took them to the top of the cordless charts, and they weren’t complaining then. Without me, they were just three more handsets. With me, they were the Uniden 5.8GHz Digital Cordless Phone System. And we made magic together.

Ann Uniden, handset #2, sister: Ugh! I can remember when Dad decided we were going to wear those awful black and silver outfits, with that gaudy orange light. I cried all night. I mean, I considered myself a genuine artist, with my clear 5.8GHz digital reception and my speakerphone, and here I was in this degrading circus getup. It hurt.

Walter Uniden Sr., base unit, father: What the kids don’t understand is how hard I worked for it all. I did more than just route the calls. I stored 100 caller ID numbers. I stored 12 minutes’ worth of messages on my digital answering system. I make the baby monitor function possible. You know, I could’ve brought some more headsets into the act to spice it up a little. I can handle up to 10 at once, you know. But I didn’t. You ever hear one of those kids thank me for that?

Roger Uniden, handset #1, brother: I’m perfectly capable of storing 100 locations myself, just like my brother and sister. We can even walkie-talkie with each other. Big deal. The fact is, Dad only paid attention to us when we were making him money. The times when we needed him the most, like when we weren’t selling anymore, and purchasing agents stopped returning our calls, and Walter, Jr. went into rehab, well, where was he then? I’m not surprised he’s speaking up now that we’re popular again.

Walter Uniden Jr., handset #3, brother: No, I haven’t touched the stuff in years, not since I heard the good news about Xenu. Would you like to take a personality test?

Walter Uniden Sr., base unit, father: They can say what they want. I wouldn’t do a thing differently. I’m not campaigning to be made a saint. But when I die, people will come to my funeral and stand over my cold dead body and say “There goes the guy who made the Uniden 5.8GHz Digital Cordless Phone System happen.” That’s enough for me.

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