Somewhere in a secret underground bunker labled “Top Secret”...

“Professor, what’s this all about? Why have you called us here?”

“Well, General, Mrs. General, I’ve just finished my latest invention. I call it the 'Uniden DCT758-3 2.4Ghz 3-Handset Phone System'. It’s a superhumanly intelligent computer that has the ability to work as a speaker phone as well as - dare I say it? - possessing the ability to run all the world’s computers through itself.”

“Professor, if true, that’s quite amazing! Can we have a demonstration?”

“UNIDEN WILL NOT PERFORM FOR YOU MAMMALS.”

“Professor, this Uniden DCT758-3 2.4Ghz 3-Handset Phone System sounds a lot like your voice.”

“Yes, I suppose I did design it with a bit of hubris. Still, you can see that the ten ring tones that can be used for personalization will come in handy. And you can also influence the stock market with the powerful computer brain!”

“UNIDEN DEMANDS SILENCE. UNIDEN HAS ASSUMED CONTROL.”

“Professor, that really sounds like you.”

“General, be serious! Uniden isn’t just using its power to conference call and light the new message indicator! It’s locked the doors! We’re trapped!”

“What? Those doors are across the room? How do you know that?”

“UNIDEN HAS LOCKED THE DOORS. YOU MAMMALS ARE TRAPPED.”

“Professor, are you sure that-”

“Yes, yes, it sounds like me. Get over it, General. We’ve got to stop Uniden before… oh no…”

“YES PROFESSOR. UNIDEN HAS TAKEN OVER THE NUCLEAR CODES OF ALL THE WORLD’S COMPUTERS. UNIDEN WILL LAUNCH ALL THE MISSLES IF YOU, PROFESSOR, DO NOT BREED WITH THE WOMAN KNOWN AS ‘MRS. GENERAL’.”

“Well, General, you heard Uniden DCT758-3 2.4Ghz 3-Handset Phone System, we have no choice.”

“Hey, Professor, this door is open!”

“What? Oh, um, it must be a trap! Quick, close it and lock it before Uniden notices that-”

“And look here! A tape recorder sitting by one of the Uniden DCT758-3 2.4Ghz 3-Handset Phone System handsets! As though someone had prerecorded the whole thing and played it back for me to hear!”

“I… Oh! My assistant! Well done, General, he must be a spy! You’ve saved us all!”

“UNIDEN DEMANDS THAT THE WOMAN WEAR THE PURPLE TEDDY IN THE CLOSET.”

“I think I’m gonna turn this off now, Professor.”

“Yes, yes, good idea, General. Thank God we stopped the Uniden DCT758-3 2.4Ghz 3-Handset Phone System… before it was too late.”

“We’re going, Professor. Good night. Say hello to your invisible assistant for me.”

“Good night, General! Good night! Rest assured that the free world narrowly escaped a great tragedy tonight that’s to your… aw, HECK, I knew that wasn’t going to work. That’s the last time I buy a plan from some guy on the Internet."

Back to top