I went shoppin’ for a phone recently. Have you seen this? Have you heard of this thing?

I go to the lady at the counter and I’m all, “Hey, I’d like to buy a phone,” and RIGHT OFF THE BAT she’s all “You should check out the Uniden 2.4Ghz 4-Handset Phone System With Caller ID.” Right? I mean, c’mon lady! Who am I gonna transfer my calls to, my cat? Jeez this thing’s got 20 ringtone options. That’s 18 more than I have people calling, am I right? She starts going into the redial where you can call the last three numbers you just called. Who the hell’s calling someone you just got off the phone with? Am I that needy emotionally? I told her I could use the baby monitor feature and give a handset to my mom for old time’s sake.

Ah, what else, what else is goin’ on…have you heard about this feature where you can copy your phone book from one handset to another? Who needs three phone books?! Right? That’s CRAAAAZY! And the phone book has 100 entries available. Who knows 100 people? I don’t even have that many FAKE friends on Facebook! But the lady at the store was really cute so I bought one. And now I sit, in my studio apartment, calling my cat using the intercom feature. I’m all, “Helloooooo, kitty. Hellooooooo. Hey, whaddya doin’? Wanna go get some milk?”

Thanks very much you’ve been a great audience! Tip your wait staff and drive safe!

Back to top