Okay, I’ve got my IV full of basic nutritional elements, colostomy bag, comfy pillow…I think I’m ready.

Dear Sarah,

You broke my heart, Sarah, you really did. I’ve spent the last three months trying to figure out what to do with myself, but it wasn’t until I saw this P3 International Q1008 TV Remote Control Clock that I realized I could be doing absolutely nothing. Life without you is agonizing, especially since I keep running into you and your stupid new boyfriend at “our” restaurant. Honestly, did four and a half months of sharing jalapeno poppers there mean nothing to you? Well I’ve found a way to use technology to eliminate you entirely from my mind. No more late nights sobbing into my pillow, and no more praying that you’ll read my scathing comments on my LiveJournal. I’m going to wipe you completely from my memory. Did you ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Well it’s on today and it’s the first thing I’m going to watch.

You see, with this new TV Remote Control Clock, I never have to leave this bed again. Once I enter the specific times, this baby will send an infrared signal to my TV turning it on or off when I want. There’s only three times per day alotted, so I’ll have some scheduling to work out, but I figure on in the morning and off at night will be good enough to start. I didn’t even have to buy a new TV; this thing learns to ensure it’s compatible with almost any television. Imagine that, someone accepting you no matter what. I sure don’t know how nice it might feel. Maybe your stupid new boyfriend can tell you.

I could even set this thing to come on at evening hours while I’m away from the house to make the place look inhabited. Or maybe haunted. But the point is moot as I’m never leaving this bed again. I will be awakened by the joyous chorous of morning news programming, and I will fall asleep as the twinkling light of late night talk shows blinks out. My attention span and memory will be so overwhelmed that eventually, Sarah, you’ll fade from my life. This thing even has a calendar so I can track the days, months, and years that slip by as I go on without you. In the event I wake up in the middle of the night it’s got a nifty blue backlight so I can see what time it is when I’m totally not thinking of calling you just before sunrise.

I am so over you, Sarah. All I need now is two AA batteries and someone to change the channels for me.

Love,
Wayne

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