You just had to blow all that money your parents gave you for correspondence cooking courses on video games and DVDs, didn’t you?

PRO-TIP: Playing Cooking Mama on the Nintendo Wii will teach you just about as much about cooking as Guitar Hero will teach you about playing guitar. And while watching Julie & Julia over and over again may one day lead you to some insight on why Stanley Tucci agreed to be in such an awful movie, it will not make you a master of French cooking. Only now, after hanging up the phone with your mother who can’t wait to show off her son “The Chef” by bringing over some of her friends for a meal, do you see the error of your ways.

Well, if there’s one thing about cooking you can glean in a quick Google search, it’s this: great meals don’t just taste good, they look good, too. And since the chances of you whipping up something your mom will actually be able to choke down are very slim, maybe it’s best to focus on presentation. These TrueFire Gourmet Cedar Grilling Plank and Wraps should help you fake your way through the cooking portion of your evening. Tell your mother’s friends that these 100% natural cedar wonders are a “little trick” you picked up in culinary school to infuse food with smokey flavor. Their eyes will go wide with excitement as you explain how meats, seafood, and veggies come out moist and succulent with just a little extra prep time for soaking. Your mother will be so proud and her friends will eat up your “knowledge” with fascination.

Which, you know, is good, considering they won’t actually be eating. Not after the “accident”, anyway.

It’s going to take a bit of work making the fall that ends in you shoving your left hand into the red-hot coals of your grill look believable but, let’s face it, all the screaming and wailing you’re going to do will probably sell it. As your mother and her guest look on in horror, make sure you cry out “NO NOT MY COOKING HAND MY CAREER IS OVER!” before you pass out from the pain.

Later, after the doctor tells you and your parents about the extent of the damage, do your best to look over at your mother and apologize for ruining her dream of having a chef for a son. She won’t care. She’ll be too busy blaming herself for forcing you into “such a dangerous profession” and offering to pay your rent until you can figure out what you want to do next. Looks like you’re good at cooking something after all, buddy, and that yummy dish is Emotional Extortion.

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