Slow food? Raw food? Local food? All stale. I’m eating the next big food-thing: upside-down food.

A recent paper published in JLPS: The Journal of Ludicrous Pseudo-Science revealed some findings that turn the conventional wisdom on its head. It seems that up to 97% of a food’s nutritional value is located near the bottom. But Western, linear masticators traditionally start chewing at the top of a given foodstuff, so they get full and stop before they’ve really gotten to the nutrients. Sure, I could just turn the food over when I’m eating it, but that’s a Band-Aid solution. I’m dealing with the root (haw haw!) of the problem with my new pair of Topsy Turvy Tomato Planters.

All I have to add is 18 quarts of soil, fertilizer, and one healthy tomato seedling per planter. I hang them up where they’ll get full sun for at least 6-7 hours per day, water them every day, and gravity does the rest. The water and nutrients jump onto the Isaac Newton expressway straight to the fruit for tomatoes every bit as nutritious as they are delicious. No weeds, no worms, no digging – and no yard required. If you’ve got a sunny balcony, patio, or deck, you’ve got a seat aboard the upside-down food bandwagon.

And if you’re still skeptical about the benefits of bottom-up eating, consider the Chinese. How are they able to feed a population of over 1 billion people with only the occasional devastating famine? Could it be because they’re all upside-down, so they’ve always grown their food upside-down, too? Just stand on your head and think about it, for hours if necessary. Eventually, it’ll make perfect sense. You just have to get your head in the right space.

Note: the claims in this sales copy have never been reviewed or investigated by any federal agency, regulatory body, or person with an ounce of sense in his or her head.

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