Honey, I don’t know how to say this. There’s something missing. The spark is gone. There’s no excitement left anymore. The Elvis of romance has left the building that is our relationship.

Remember how it used to be? We were crazy and fancy-free. We were lost in love. And also literally lost. All the time. You had the worst sense of direction! We’d go out for groceries, get somehow turned around on the interstate and before we knew it, we were in some shabby little border town shooting dice to try to win our car back. Those were the days! We’d be on our way home from your mother’s place, lose our way, and stumble upon a traveling carnival, or a secluded lake, or a drug deal gone bad. Now that was excitement.

Sure, there was a downside. We were late for my sister’s wedding. We didn’t get your uncle to the jailhouse in time to stop that one execution. But at least every day, every drive, was an adventure!

Since you got this TomTom GPS, all that’s changed. We never get lost anymore. We never run late. We never have to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. We’re always executing Plan A. I miss Plans B and C and D!

It used to be that when we planned an 8:30 dinner at Chez Bud’s, I’d wonder whether I should wear a swimsuit under my clothes. You know, just in case. Now that mystery is gone. Now I know as soon as you make the reservation that we’ll be ordering a plate of Bud’s famous snail poppers by 8:40. Our lives have become just that predictable. We’re in a rut.

Remember the time when we were running so late to the airport for our non-refundable week-long Caribbean getaway? And I saw our exit too late, and we were way over in the wrong lane, and you cut hard across four busy lanes of traffic, and we skidded off the highway and through the chain-link fence and crashed into the back of the sandwich shop and missed our whole trip? That place had the best turkey wraps. I miss happening on those kinds of surprises. But thanks to your TomTom’s “Advanced Lane Guidance,” we never miss an exit or intersection now. We’re always in the right lane. The only places we ever end up are the places we set out for in the first place. It’s stifling, and I can’t live like this anymore.

I miss the spontaneity we used to have. I miss not knowing where a drive might take us. I miss our long, romantic walks through the desert looking for cell service after losing the car in a ravine.

I guess what I’m saying, Clem, is that something has to give. Lose your TomTom touchscreen portable GPS —or lose me… 4evA.

Love,
Greta

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