Well, I’m just back from the links, and unfortunately I can’t find much good to say about this set of Tommy Armour Golf Morph Irons. Now, if there’s one thing I know aside from the despair of the utterly alone, it’s the back 9 at the Putt ‘N’ Play on County Route HH. (That’s just a euphemism: the back 9 at P’n’P is also the “front 9” or “only 9”.) I know how to play every bubble in its AstroTurf fairways, how to bank shots off of every gouge in its boards. I metaphorically own this course – I’d even go so far as to say I pwn it.

So why, then, did I come home with a score of 33, or 9 over par? Because I used this Tommy Armour Morph set instead of just grabbing a couple of clubs from the big plastic barrel at Putt ‘N’ Play. When you’re used to the idiosyncrasies of the house clubs at Route HH’s third-finest minigolf course, you don’t know what to do with the deep-cavity, two-piece hollow-back heads on the long irons. When you develop your skills using bent, nicked thirdhand clubs, the enhanced finesse and tightened control of these Morph short irons will only confuse and frighten you.

And then there was the so-called “Pirate Circumcision” incident. Now, I’m neither accepting nor assigning blame for the ugly events of this afternoon – my attorneys and I are satisfied to let the legal system work its course. But the facts are clear: had I not been using these Tommy Armour irons, my drive on hole 8 would have been limp and unthreatening. The regrettably high, straight, powerful shot would never have occurred. And Cap’n Murder, the beloved wooden guardian of hole 8, would still be in full possession of his nether organs. The sooner the management of Putt ‘N’ Play realizes the truth of the situation, the sooner we can bring this unpleasant matter to a mutually beneficial resolution.

As for the clubs, they’re great, if you like accuracy, precision, and power in your golf game. Those are all qualities that the Putt ‘N’ Play can get along just fine without, thank you very much. I’m sure if he could, Cap’n Murder would tell us that goes double for him.

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