Can you believe it? An Ironman watch. Like—oh, sure, HE ran the Ironman.

“Hey,” says the guy in line behind me for concessions, the sound of a challenge in his voice. “Pretty ballsy of you to be wearing that around. You earn it?”

“You bet I did,” I say. “Future Farmers of America, that’s me, just like it says on the jacket. Well, used to be. I guess I’m a past Future Farmer of America now.”

“I’m not talking about your jacket,” he says. “I’m talking abou-”

“What, this cap?” I ask. It’s my favorite, an official MASTER OF DISGUISE film crew baseball-style cap. I take it off and admire it. “My girlfriend’s dad knew a guy who worked on this movie, and they gave these hats to everybody. I got it from him.”

“No,” the guy says, “I don’t mean your stupid hat. I mean—”

“Ah, sorry, the Harvard tie,” I said. “Yeah, my brother went there, that’s where I got this. I just like the color.”

“I don’t even know what a Harvard tie is. I don’t care about that. I’m asking you WHETHER YOU EARNED YOUR —”

“Oh, the Olympic medal, right.” I had almost forgotten I was wearing it. “I wear this everywhere. It’s one of my most prized possessions. Suffice it to say that I hooked a certain swimmer up with a bag of a certain herbal product. He didn’t have any cash, but he had like fourteen of these, so he gave me one.”

“WILL YOU LET ME FINISH? I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DUMB JACKET, YOUR DUMB HAT, YOUR DUMB TIE, OR YOUR DUMB OLYMPIC MEDAL. I’M ASKING WHETHER YOU EARNED YOUR —”

“Oh, I get it, you recognized my French Foreign Legion ring! Good eye,” I say, “most people don’t know what that symbol means. Yeah, I won it in a poker game, actually. Nice, isn’t it?”

“SHUT UP. SHUT UP UNTIL I REACH THE END OF MY QUESTION. I’M GOING TO RAISE MY HAND LIKE THIS. AND I’LL LEAVE IT UP UNTIL A HAVE FINISHED ASKING YOU WHAT I WANT TO ASK YOU. THEN I WILL PUT IT DOWN. DON’T START TO RESPOND UNTIL YOU SEE ME PUT MY HAND DOWN. Now: What did you do to earn the right to wear that Timex Ironman watch around? Did you run an Ironman Triathlon?”

He puts his hand down. I hesitate for a minute, then I tell him. No, I’ve never even done a 5K fun run. But you don’t have to be a superjock to appreciate the way this iControl watch transmits signals to your iPod. With the controls on this watch, I can make my iPod play, pause, track forward and back, or turn the volume up and down, all super easy while I’m walking or jogging or whatever.

Plus it does a bunch of other cool timing functions like you’d expect from a Timex.

Satisfied with my answer, the guy turns and walks away. But just then I get a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and immediately get punched in the mouth by the second assistant animal wrangler from THE MASTER OF DISGUISE crew, who I later learn did a stint with the 2e REP in Corsica after graduating from Harvard, where he was on the swim team and narrowly missed qualifying for the Sydney Olympics.

Bad luck for me that I should run into him.

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