So there I was. In the middle of a school gym, upside down, in the front seat of a Volkswagen with Willie Nelson. Ninjas everywhere! Willie turned to me and said “Well, guess this is it.” But I had my Storm Sentinel 6 Piece Survival Kit. I said “Willie, help me make it through the night.” and he said “That was actually Kris Kristofferson.” But by then I was in motion.

I was a blur, a deadly, cranking blur. In one hand I held the handpowered cell phone charger. In the other, the hand powered flashlight. The first ninja was not ready for a blast from the quick-charging LED with a 15,000 hour lifespan. I threw the cell phone charger attachments at the second: Nextel, Audiovox, Nokia, K700, A288, LG6000, V3, V998, each one finding their mark in a pressure point, until the second ninja went down in a twitching, helpless mass of silk and subterfuge. I shouted “Kiss an angel good morning!” and heard Willie call back “That was Charlie Pride!” I turned towards the Volkswagen to look at him.

Just over Willie’s left shoulder I saw the third, and most dangerous, of all the ninjas. “Willieeeeeeeeeeeeee!” I screamed as I ran, reaching into my Weatherproof Nylon Carrying Case for my 4-in-1 keychain. The magnifying glass? The compass? The thermometer? No, my friends, not this strategist. I grabbed the whistle and blew like my life depended on it. The ninja grabbed at me, but the sound was too much. He melted away, as ninjas often do. “Like watching flowers on the wall,” I whispered, and heard Willie say “That was the Statler Brothers!” in a weak voice. But that didn’t matter. Willie and I were safe.

I helped Willie to his feet and we shook hands. “Sure wish I had a guitar, or maybe some mead.” he said. “We could celebrate!”

“No worries, Willie.” I took the hand powered shortwave radio from the portable Aluminum case. “This here radio will let us listen to AM, FM, or even the Shortwave band. That’s as pretty as a coat of many colors.”

“That was Dolly Parton,” Willie sighed. “Do you even know who I am?”

And that, children, is the true story of the day I murdered Willie Nelson.

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