If you’ve been dying to relive the excitement of “Corvette Summer” or or the drama of “Witness”, you’re in luck today!

“Hi, Robert. What’cha doin’ there, kiddo?”

“Oh, hi, Mr. J. J. Abrams. I’m just playing with this new set of Funko Star Wars Bobble Heads. See, Han’s about to rescue Luke from 4Lom, the evil bounty hunter!”

“Hey, can I play with those for a second?”

“Well… I guess… but be careful, okay? They bobble so I don’t want you to…”

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t break them, don’t worry. I’m just gonna reinterpret them a little!”

“What does reinterpret mean, Mr. J. J. Abrams?”

“Why don’t I just show you, Robert? Here, look at this. Here’s Luke Skywalker. And here’s his best friend Han Solo. And they have a passion between them that can’t be denied. Mmm mmm, you’re such a good kisser, Han, mmm mmm, you too, Luke, mmmm mmm.”

“Mr. J. J. Abrams, I don’t think that was in the original movie!”

“No, but there was subtext. And besides, in my version, Princess Leia died in Imperial prison. A lot of people always hoped to see that, you know. And trust me, ‘a lot of people’ translates to a great opening weekend for me. Oh, look, here comes Yoda. Did you know a Jedi Knight has the power to perform marriage ceremonies? Mmm, Han and Luke, man and wife I now pronounce you do!’ Hey, Robert, hand me the T.I.E. Pilot, he’s gonna drive the limo to the hotel. That’ll make it more down to earth and easy to understand. We don’t want too many spaceships in this. You think The Strokes would do a wedding march?”

“Mr. J. J. Abrams, I don’t really want to play this any more.”

“Robert, now, you’ve entrusted me with these characters, right? So just sit back and let me prove what I can do. Oh, hello, 4LOM! We’d like a room at your hotel. The honeymoon suite! Can Bossk take our bags? I, Han Solo, want to carry my new bride over the threshold. Of course I can do that, fellas! It’s so great to see two people so much in love! Hey, Robert, can you get me a flashlight? I need to make this really, really bright to show how in love they are.”

“Mr. J. J. Abrams, I want to go home.”

“You are home, Robert! You’re home in the marvelous future I’ve created! Here, you can play too. Take Yoda to the kitchen and have an adventure with the phone that ends with you getting me a pizza and a six pack. Isn’t that a good idea, Luke and Han? Oh, yes, J. J., it’s a great idea! We love you almost as much as we love each other! See, how much fun these Funko Star Wars Bobble Heads can be, Robert? All you have to do is sit back and let me work my magic.”

“I don’t like this future, Mr. J. J. Abrams. I want my classic Funko Star Wars Bobble Heads characters back.”

“What? It’s not like I got rid of all the DVDs or anything. How can you be so upset? C’mon, get crackin’ on my lunch adventure, all this geniusing makes me hungry. Luke, kid, I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone. Before you, it was like I was frozen in carbonite. Oh, Han, my love, you had me at hello. You had me at hello. WHERE’S MY PIZZA, ROBERT? WHERE’S MY PIZZA?”

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