“Hey, Larry! Good to see you! Boy, that looks like a tasty sandwich! Say, did you know suicide is against Starfleet regulations?”

“Huh? Mr. Carter? Why would you even say something like that to me?”

“No reason, buddy. No reason at all. Just making a little idle lunch room chit-chat, if you know what I mean. But since you brought it up, how are things at home, huh? Everything ‘Warp 5 and steady as she goes’? Or has life become a quantum singularity of despair?”

“Actually, I didn’t bring it up. And, with all due respect, I don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

“Aw, come on, Ensign. As Captain of the U.S.S. Workplace NCC-something-something, I assure you, I can keep a secret.”

“I’m not an Ensign, sir. I’m in Accounts Payable. And this conversation is steadily moving towards HR territory.”

“Ensign, I’m going to level with you. I’ve noticed that the solar wind has left your solar sails, my friend. The number of away missions you’ve been volunteering for has increased dramatically ever since I took command of this vessel.”

“They’re called business trips, Mr. Carter.”

“Not only that, but I’ve noticed you seem to wear an awful lot of red shirts as of late. It doesn’t take a Betazoid counselor to see that you’ve got a bit of a death wish, Ensign, and I want to put a stop to it.”

“Actually, I have an idea on how we can remedy that, sir. You could go f…”

“Give you your very own Star Trek USS Enterprise NCC-1701 Model? Well, here you go, Ensign! This replica of the Federation’s most legendary vessel (from the new timeline, of course) will delight and inspire you to grasp hold of life once more! It has its own Delta Shield display base for when you just want to quietly contemplate your day’s missions, and it also features sound effects and dialogue from the latest movie for when you need a little space adventure in your quarters.”

“Wow. This is… This is actually pretty rad, sir. Strange and sort of creepy, sure, but pretty rad. Thanks, I guess?”

“Think nothing of it, Ensign. After all, as your commanding officer, it is my duty to make sure you’re a happy and healthy member of this crew. It’s important to me that you ‘live long and prosper’.”

“Okay, see, that thing you’re doing with your hand isn’t Vulcan. It’s vulgar, certainly, but definitely not Vulcan.”

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