One upon a time, there was a man named Fat Max. And he thought the tauntaun scene in Empire was the coolest thing ever.

Each night, Fat Max would go to bed and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (because he was a sci-fi fan, that was his deity of choice) and ask if maybe, just maybe, one day he could do something as cool as the tauntaun scene. And after about six years of this happening, the Flying Spaghetti Monster took pity on poor Fat Max.

However, the trouble with worshiping spaghetti is that it doesn’t really have any good ideas. At least animal gods might understand fear or hunger. But spaghetti, it’s just… well, spaghetti.

However, the Flying Spaghetti Monster always tries its very best, so it decided to turn Fat Max into a Stanley FatMax Xtreme Round Top Tool Bag. Now people could reach into Fat Max’s belly and pull out tools, or maybe even use the additional access pouches for things they need to reach more often.

Sadly, as a result of this, Fat Max became non-sentient. But as far as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was concerned, the prayers stopped, so it must have been a success. And so, poor Fat Max was forever trapped as a Stanley FatMax Xtreme Round Top Tool Bag, and you and I learn a valuable lesson about worshiping a deity that’s high in carbs.

At least worship a banana now and then, guys. Or broccoli. What’s wrong with a little broccoli worship?

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