Hello, everyone. Today we’ve got a special treat!

Our Staff Translator has found an original copy of The Story Of Goldilocks And The Three Bears, and he’s translated it from the original German, with no edits or changes. We’re hoping you enjoy this rare look at a classic fairy tale as it was designed to be read. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl named Goldilocks. She liked to spend her days wandering through the forest with her Stanley 20 Piece Socket Set, looking for things she could repair. On this particular day, she came across a beautiful cottage. It was practically perfect, except for a single loose bolt. Feeling neighborly, Goldilocks decided to fix the problem herself!

First, Goldilocks took out her Six Point Drive Socket, knowing it met all ANSI standards. Then she looked over the 1/4” MaxDrive™ Sockets. It was such a big decision! First she tried a 5/32 socket, but that was too small. Then she tried a 9/32 socket, but that was too big! So, instead, Goldilocks sat down, took the included 3” Drive Extension and began to... oh… oh MY! Welll, fairy tales certainly were different in those days! Ha ha! Maybe we should skip a bit, here.

Ahem. “What’s all this?” asked Father Bear as he entered the house. “Oh, no!” cried Goldilocks, “I’m ever so sorry!” But Father Bear only laughed. “Don’t worry, young lady, I understand. Let me show you what I do in the woods!” Goldilocks smiled as Father Bear began to... what? WHAT? HOW CAN PEOPLE EVEN… WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT COUNTRY?

Look, let’s just flip through the pages a bit, maybe we can find something, you know, decent to read. “Oh my!” said Mother Bear, “The 1/4” Ratchet Arm is so cold against my”... “If you please, Mrs. Bear,” said Goldilocks, “I’d love to visit the barn next.” Oh, good lord. “If you throw in the Stanley 20 Piece Socket Set I’ll give you a good price for her,” the Gypsy promised Father Bear. Well, let’s stop there. Let’s just… let’s just stop there. The end.

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