Jake and Vienna, we’ll just say this: sometimes you don’t know how good you’ve got it. Like, say, a year ago, when none of us had heard of Jake or Vienna.

There we were, a free, prosperous people, clinging to whatever meaning we could find in our humble lives. Then along came these two vacuous bobbleheads to remind us that not all twits are made of 140 characters or less. We really hoped they’d find everlasting love, so that we as a nation need never again be soul-raped by “celebrity news” about these two numbskulls. But then came the shocking report that this sacred union, blessed from on high by the touch of a superior power (ABC), has somehow been torn asunder. Life, love, and Google Trends will never be the same.

As painful as it is to see their dreams – and ours – lie in ruins, the Smartparts 12.1” Digital Picture Frame means the bad times can go on forever. Just load it up with 256MB worth of the internet’s most loathsome Jake and Vienna pics, or fill up a memory card for an even more sickening celebreality ordeal. Here they are building a bedframe or some stupid thing; here he is dipping her for the cameras, unfortunately not into a vat of acid; here he is presenting her with a hideous ring that costs as much as it would take to help dozens of handicapped Third World children walk again. With just a little image searching and the Smartparts 12.1” Digital Picture Frame, you can put together the kind of slideshow a jihadi would look at to psyche himself up before a suicide bombing.

And then comes the really satisfying part: you can hit the Smartparts 12.1” Digital Picture Frame with a hammer. Hard. Over and over and over until the bad feelings go away. Sure, the frame will be destroyed, but that’s nothing compared to what would happen if you did the same thing to the real Jake and Vienna. At this price, you might as well buy three. They’re minting new reality TV “stars” all the time.

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