Furthermore, Mr. Chairman, if Congress approves this emergency assistance package, you’ll be extending a helping hand to one of the most endangered groups of workers in America: me and my fellow automotive CEOs. Yes, we’re competitors. But we also share a common interest as obscenely wealthy, immensely powerful executives in protecting our sweet, sweet setup. If we three rivals can find the spirit of cooperation to join together in extending our hands for taxpayer dollars, surely Congress can come together to do its part and write us a few of those big, meaty government checks.

Now I understand that there were some PR difficulties last time we came to Washington because we all flew here in our private corporate jets. I can’t speak for the others, but personally, I had nothing to do with that. One minute I was loading my suitcases into the back of my 1991 Neon for the drive from Detroit; the next, I woke up in a stuporous haze to find myself aboard a luxuriously appointed private aircraft, 30,000 feet in the air. I guess we’ll never know what really happened.

But we’ve learned our lesson. That’s why each of our companies has traded its jet for a Silverlit Palm-Z RC Plane. These slow-flying, indoor-friendly polyfoam planes run on 3.7v Rechargeable Li-poly batteries, and 4 AA batteries for the transmitter, helping end our dependence on foreign oil. They certainly couldn’t be called comfortable – not only do they lack toilet-seat warmers, they don’t even have toilets. But we were willing to make the sacrifice if it means we’re more likely to get a buttload of free cash from the American sucke- I mean, taxpayer.

Unfortunately, we soon learned another lesson: that these Silverlit Palm-Z RC Planes are way too small to carry passengers. So we got the jets back. But after this fiasco, we will certainly be far more careful and, dare I say, secretive about using them. If we have our way, the public will be kept safely in the dark about exactly how wantonly we’re squandering the public treasury. That’s my pledge to you, Mr. Chairman, and to the American people.

What’s that? Would I be willing to accept a $1 salary as part of the restructuring plan? No, thanks. I’m good where I am.

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