Alphas choose fight. Betas choose flight. But smart people just watch the whole thing on television.

“So, Jack, it’s almost time for us to go home and… why, Jack! You’re not ready to go home yet? But you’re my ride! Sayyyy… why do you look so sad?”

Aw, Tyler, I wanted to leave on time, but… well, it’s just… it’s just that somebody dumped a big project on my desk with only fifteen minutes before the end of the day. And now I gotta rush to make a deadline, and I didn’t even do anything wrong! It’s just not fair!

“You’re right, Jack. That isn’t fair. Plus it implies your time is worth less than theirs, and that’s just plain wrong.”

I never see people do that to you, Tyler. If only there was a solution! If only I could convince them to respect me more! But I guess it’ll never happen, and I’ll just have to accept this as my lot in life. Man, I’m so depressed.

“Hang on, Jack, I think I’ve got an idea that could help you out. What about a Silo 42” 1080p LCD HDTV?”

A Silo 42” 1080p LCD HDTV? Oh, you mean to relax with after work? Hmm, I bet that would do the trick. I can just see myself enjoying all my favorite shows in 1920 x 1080 quality. Or maybe hookin’ up the ol’ Playstee to one of the three HDMI ports, and letting off steam by zappin’ some aliens before dinner. It’s a good plan, Tyler, thanks for the tip! Maybe it’ll cheer me up!

“What? No, no, Jack, you misunderstand. I meant you should go get a Silo 42” 1080p LCD HDTV and throw it at the guy who set up you like this.”

I… I should do what, Tyler?

“Yeah! It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? You’ve got to establish dominance in the workplace, or else nobody’s going to respect you. Just picture how you’ll feel when you hear the lovely breaking glass of the 42 inch widescreen crushing against their torso.”

Um, Tyler, I know you’re a tough guy and everything, but that’s not something that I would actually want to do-

“Oh, they’ll care about you then, Jack! They’ll say No, no, don’t move the built-in 10 watt speakers, they’re too close to my spine! but you won’t listen, will you? Noooo, you won’t listen at all. You’ll just put your fingers near the 15 pin VGA port and lift, maybe shouting like a mighty barbarian. Can you picture it, Jack? The whole office silent and staring at you, the way a little dog stares at its owner?”

Tyler, I… I kinda need to finish… that deadline… I can’t really talk about… whatever this is… right now…

“But it won’t be over, will it, Jack? Because you’ll still have the included remote. You’ll raise it above your head like the monkey in 2001, the sound of cellos in your ears, the feel of your own heartbeat tied up in a primal need to take control, to be king of the mountain, to STRIKE BACK, Jack, TO STRIKE BACK AND TAKE CONTROL OVER ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO WRONG YOU THROUGH YOUR OFFICE DAY AND KEEP YOU FROM YOUR DEADLINES! WOULDN’T YOU LIKE THAT, JACK? WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO HAVE THAT POWER AT LAST??? HUH, JACK?? HUH???”

Tyler, yes, yes, whatever you say… just… please don’t hurt me, okay? Okay?

“Hurt you? What? Ha ha, I wouldn’t hurt you, Jack! You’re my very best friend! Hey, tell you what, let’s just get us a Silo 42” 1080p LCD HDTV and a pizza, and I’ll help you set it up and then we can watch Beaches or something. You know, just have a guy’s night in, talk out our problems. What do you think, huh, Jack?”

I… can… can we get extra pepperoni?

“Aw, sure Jack. We can get anything you want. As long as it makes you feel better. Oh, but you better hurry and finish that job up. Deadline’s just about here.”

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