My New Year’s resolution is 1920 x 1080.

A new year’s in the making, so I guess it’s time to take my annual half-hearted stab at exercising. In years past, I’ve tried all kinds of gimmicky home gym gear. NordicTrack? I bought it. Thighmaster? You bet I bought it. That Gazelle thing with the ponytailed psychopath pitchman? I ordered two different models. Bowflex? Shoot, I still use it (as a clothes drying rack).

Seriously, you name the cheaply-manufactured, overpriced piece of exercise equipment advertised on television, I’ve purchased it, assembled it, tried it out, and failed to stick with it. I sat in that crazy Hula Chair for about a day. I got the Iron Gym, though there’s no doorway in my apartment that’ll accommodate it. I even tried that Shake Weight thing for a little while, until my deeply-ingrained sense of sexual shame made it impossible to continue.

Lots of unwise purchases there. Lots of bad decisions. It almost seems like my television was deliberately giving me bad fitness advice. And yet how could that be? It’s been my dearest friend since childhood! Was it worried I’d slim down and take up sports or outdoor activities or something? Was it afraid I’d leave it behind? Could it be my TV was sabotaging my exercise efforts out of jealousy?

This year, I’ve got a new strategy. Instead of letting my television sell me on a series of useless exercise gizmos, I’ll let my television be my exercise gizmo!

I’ve had too many bad experiences with shoddy equipment to cheap out this time, so I’m getting something nice, like Silo’s 40-inch Echo LCD TV. With 1080p full HD, a 4000:1 contrast ratio, and a 178-degree viewing angle, this set is instantly going to be the best piece of workout gear I own.

Here’s how it’ll work: Every night, I’ll watch a different workout DVD tailored to my fitness needs and personal interests. It’ll be fun. Exercise videos aren’t just boring anymore! There’s all kinds of programs out there now that use cool music and fun routines, like the UFC “Submission Hold On Weight Gain” series, or “Juggalo Abs.”

Then, even when I’m not watching those exercise videos, this set’s going to help keep me motivated. A full programming schedule of Hollywood-thin Housewives and Cougars and Crime Scene Investigators in 1920 x 1080 resolution will definitely stoke the self-hatred that burns inside my disgusting, flabby heart.

I’ve got a good feeling about this year! Because if you want your exercise program to succeed, a good tactic is to go through it with a buddy.

And my TV set is the best buddy of all.

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