A Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Set might be just what you need when you head back to school. Or, at least, to college. You probably wouldn’t want it for any other kind of school.

Hello, police? Yes, it’s Doris Whitbread, the vice principal down here at Route Nine High School. Is this Officer Jackie? Well, hello there, Officer Jackie, it’s awfully good to talk to you. I sure hope you can help me. We’ve heard a rumor that one of our students has a Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Set.

That’s right, it is a big deal! That utility knife is so versatile, no one can even predict what it could cut through! I’m hoping you’d be able to stop by the house and confiscate it. I don’t know what the parents are thinking, having one of those… yes, I said the house, the student’s house… well, no, Officer Jackie, no one brought anything to the school, but… imagine if they DID? That Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Set has a slicing knife, a chef knife, a santoku… oh, Officer Jackie, that can’t possibly be correct. You’re telling me it’s legal for a person to own a multi-purpose serrated slicer knife in their own home? And that’s not breaking a law? How can you ever expect us to have safe schools in a world like that? A world with useless freedoms we don’t even need? What kind of country would that be?

Well, all right, I guess I only taught social studies for eight years, why would I know the law? Maybe you don’t get that I was being sarcastic since I never taught English. All I know is that someone could take a knife out of the included bamboo block and cause trouble, and that should be good enough for you. Who do you think pays your taxes, Officer Jackie? What? Well, no, I actually got a refund last year, but that’s not the point at all. The point is we have to be safe, and if even one person is beyond our control, we can’t ever be. Which I think is a good enough reason to get those Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Sets out of the hands of children who are not yet holding them, but might.

Probable cause? When did that start? We sure don’t need that where I work. We can just walk in and take stuff. But you say you can’t without a reason? Fine then, Officer Jackie. What if I told you that I knew for a fact that the Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Set came with a pair of kitchen shears? That’s right, shears. And that the student’s father also owns a copy of Ice T’s The Predator? That’s right, I’ve heard him brag about it on PTA night and… what do you mean, that was an Ice Cube album? Like there’s a difference? What? Ice T was what? You saw him at Lollapawho back in college? Best show you ever saw? Well.

Officer Jackie, for your sake, I’m going to forget this entire conversation. Just keep one thing in mind. If you don’t go find that Kai Shun 9 Piece Knife Block Set and bring it to me before the end of the day, I’m putting a note in your permanent record. A negative note. And, I will, Officer Jackie, don’t test me. I hope you make the right decision in this matter, Officer Jackie. Goodbye.

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