is discovering you’re still not dead

We bet you’re like us: Not really “Early Riser” types. Not naturally anyway. How could we be? We’re midnight deals types. That’s like the total opposite type.

Lucky for us there’s coffee. We rely exclusively on this magic brown beanwater to perk us up and get us going—especially since we found out that so many other, more effective uppers are apparently illegal. (Did you know this? Cocaine is totally contraband. Weird, right? Ever since Amazon bought us, HR has been a real bunch of sticklers about the “law” or whatever. How we’re supposed to run this Woot-Off on legal, over-the-counter stimulants is a mystery to us.)

Hot coffee, when poured into a shuffling, incoherent, bleary-eyed, man-sized slug-thing in sufficient quantities, can transform him or her into a fully socialized adult human, or reasonable approximation thereof. It’s a miraculous sort of alchemy upon which our workplace daily depends.

Probably yours does, too! High-octane coffee makes American business work, as surelky as fgjjkllllllllllllllllll

Whoops, sorry, fell asleep on the keyboard there.

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