Yeah, I held the championship belt. Shoot, that thing’s HEAVY! That’s why I got this Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System.

Back in ‘86, me and Count Doodlenose went sixty rounds at the Bikini Warrior Ladder Match in the Rassle Castle, and I didn’t even feel a thing. Possibly because I was addicted to horse tranquilizers back then. Hey, it was the 80s, that’s just what people did.

But these days, my body’s paying the price for all that work I did to keep the belt. So my current belt’s a Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System. The electrical impulses aren’t nearly as bad as that time The Swearin’ Arab hooked me to a car battery at Facesmash IV, and in fact, they really help me get rid of lower back pain. Funny thing, me and The Swearin’ Arab still meet for coffee on Thursdays. Yeah, we got a little book club now. I pick a book, he picks a book, people say we already know the ending before we start, but that’s just bunk.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, the Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System. This one here belonged to Wild John Stabby, The Polynesian Pomeranian. Yeah, it doesn’t surprise me you never heard of him. The ASPCA shut that down the first time he threw a pomeranian at Bobby DeLacorte, The Human Money Bin. It was all yap yap yap KA-CHING yap yap yap, I don’t know what they were thinking with that match. But when he got out of the business, I got the belt. And now I’m not hurting so much. Makes for a decent painkiller, I think.

Yeah, sometimes I think about getting back into the game, you know, stepping out of retirement, but then I think, why ruin a perfect record? 0-0-113, baby! All time most losingest! See, that’s a record nobody can ever take away, and every time somebody uses me in a sports trivia game? I get a nickel! Why would I want to ruin this gravy train? Nope, I’m happy here, just me, my Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System, and the sixty eight pomeranians Wild John left me in his will. Yeah, we didn’t get along too well, you can probably guess that.

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