Much as I enjoy the convivial atmosphere and lively decor at Duke’s Hit The Showers Bar & Grille, one element of the mise en scène unfailingly punctures my reveries: the interminable televised athletic events. There I am, whiling away a leisurely afternoon with a pousse-cafe and a trough of Duke’s Tangy Chipotle Wings, when I am distracted from my Proust by a gaudy onscreen whirl of limbs and logos. It’s almost enough to drive me to The Penalty Box over on Route 71.

But now civilization is coming to Duke’s Hit The Showers. And I am the engine of its advent. Normally, I’d never favor a timepiece as pedestrian as the Sharp F955551. But this common digital watch contains a simple universal remote control, suitable for surrepititious use with televisions in public places. Henceforth, I shall use my clandestine remote to change the channel to something more refined – or, failing that, to turn the set off entirely. Perhaps the other patrons at Duke’s will come to appreciate the nourishing qualities of silence, and to realize that there’s more wonder in conversation with their fellow man than in any World Bowl or Super Series.

Or maybe they’ll figure out it’s me and lynch me. I find either outcome agreeable. I’d rather die than watch any more damned NASCAR.

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