Look, Euro-Pro, we admire you for trying to make steam-cleaning hard surfaces seem cool. But there are other animals who might have been more appropriate namesakes.

We’re just not seeing much similarity between the fearsome killers of the deep and the Euro-Pro Shark Hand Held Steam Cleaner. Sharks don’t emit continuous steam through a concentrator nozzle. Sharks, in our experience, are generally indifferent to greasy, grimy buildup on tiles, sinks, counters, and floors. And you pretty much never want to hold one in your hand. OK, OK, there are those harmless little species of shark that you can pet at the aquarium. But don’t play semantic games with us, Euro-Pro. You’re better than that.

Maybe the llama, with its famous ability to spit loathsome saliva impressive distances, would be a better choice. Even better would be the archer fish, which can snipe a land insect in a single spit-shot and gobble it up as it flails helplessly in the water. More on the cleaning tip, the Egyptian plover earns its supper picking the teeth of the crocodile. Yeah, yeah, none of these animals has the sizzle of a shark, but all it takes is one Hollywood blockbuster to change all that. Throw a few bucks at Uwe Boll and you could be selling millions of Euro-Pro Plover Hand Held Steam Cleaners by next Christmas.

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