Oh, no, Helen, that’s not what happened. What happened was… oh, hold on just a second Helen, Pamela just walked in. Hi, sweetie, how was your day?

GOD MY LIFE IS OVER THANKS TO YOUSLAM

Did you hear that, Helen? Did you hear how she treats her mother? No, nothing’s wrong really, it’s just a case of the teenagers. She’s mad at me because I got her these new Sennheiser MX70 Sport Earbuds. Oh, yes, they’re wonderful, neodymium magnets and everything. And they’re sweat resistant, even though she gets mad at me when I say that too. She likes this boy in her class-

MOM GOD CAN’T YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFESLAM

-okay, well I guess I can’t tell you that she gets worried about this boy thinking she’s all sweaty so why don’t we just say the Sennheiser MX70 Sport Earbuds are water resistant. And they’re rugged too, and ergonomic. She can just throw them in her lunchbox and not have to worry.

MOM IT’S NOT A LUNCHBOX IT’S A PURSE GOD YOU’RE SO STUPIDSLAM

Do you hear how she talks to me? Yes, she’s mad because apparently her little friends are into Merciful Manson or Sisters of Marylstein or Rammson or whatever they’re calling that music-

GOD DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING MOMSLAM

-and so they all have to have everything the same shade of black, and she’s afraid they’ll tease her about the bright green. No, the Sennheiser MX70 Sport Earbuds are perfectly nice, just not the color she wanted. Honestly, were we this bad? If you ask me, it’s all these video games and the online. Oh, Pamela, honey, don’t eat any cake, we’ll be having dinner in a half hour.

GOD STOP TRYING TO CONTROL MESLAM

Helen, I really should go now. Listen, I’ll call you soon. Hope I’m not being too “controlling” or anything! Really, you read about parents who can’t let go, I can’t wait for college to start!

MOM I’M RIGHT HERE I CAN HEAR YOU IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME GODSLAM

Helen, can I ask you a personal question? Do you think my house has too many doors?

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