Tired of creeps gawking at you while you work out? Then you probably won’t want to join the gym we started in our garage.

Dear Ms. Kari Steinmetz,

Congratulations! The management of SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme would like you to accept this Schwinn A40 Elliptical Trainer with our compliments! Its 8 resistance levels, 6 fitness metrics, and integrated grip heart rate monitor offer the same workout experience that our elliptical trainers do. And you’ll always know whose sweat you’re wiping off the ergonomic handles.

Why are we doing this? While we value your support as we do that of all SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme members, we feel that you, in particular, may be more comfortable if you exercise in the privacy of your own home. Our staff members certainly will. Especially when you wear those teal biker shorts with that maroon tank top. You know the outfit we’re talking about.

The fact is, some of our members have voiced concerns about decreased levels of service during peak Kari Steinmetz workout times. Dirty towels pile up. Fitness instructors show up late to class sessions (or not at all). Worst of all, the check-in desk goes unattended for long stretches of time, allowing non-members to sneak in and steal some exercise. Just last week we caught a non-member with dozens of squat thrusts hidden under his hat.

Perhaps these deficiencies explain why so many married couples have recently cancelled their SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme memberships. In any case, when one of our senior members nearly drowned because the lifeguard on duty was loitering near the elliptical machines, it became clear that we needed to take action. So please, enjoy your new Schwinn A40 Elliptical Trainer!

Finally, as for the photos that were recently posted to our Facebook page, let us assure you that the employee who took and posted them is no longer on our staff. We apologize for any distress caused by that action, as well as by the comments from our staff members, gym members, Facebook friends, and upper management. Such sentiments do not express the view of SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme, at least in public.

Sincerely,

SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme

P.S. In light of our recent discovery that some SuperPro Fitness Center Extreme employees have gained unauthorized access to our membership database – including members’ home addresses – you’ll probably want to draw the curtains before you use your new Schwinn A40 Elliptical Trainer.

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