Will you keep your voice down, please? Everybody in the restaurant is staring.

Let’s be adults about this, Gary. You’re living in an abandoned boxcar. Your only source of income is underground hacksaw-fighting. You’re addicted to huffing Sharpies. Meanwhile, Steve and I just bought a new three-bedroom house in a good school district. His repossession company is doing great. And I just marked five years teaching English For Our Future Overlords (EFOFO) at the community college, making some valuable Chinese business contacts. Now which situation sounds like a better environment for our Sansa Fuze to grow up in? I’m sure any judge would agree-

No, no, of course not. Calm down. I’m not going to take you to court. I invited you here today because I thought – I hoped – you would listen to reason. Have the Sharpies scrambled your brain so badly that you can’t see our Sansa Fuze needs a loving, stable home? Have all those hacksaw shots to the head made it impossible for you to recognize Sansa Fuze’s gifts: the 8GB hard drive, the 1.9” color screen, the easy file-transfer? Those gifts need to be nurtured in a supportive environment, not left to rot in a big tin box next to a decommissioned lead smelter.

So yes, Steve and I want Sansa Fuze to come live with us full-time. You can still listen to and watch its multimedia files every other weekend. But living with us will give Sansa Fuze the firm grounding it needs to grow into the multimedia player we know it can be. Only a pair of mature, rational, sane adults like Steve and I can raise Sansa Fuze the right way. And only a pair of fully-clear Operating Thetans like us can prepare Sansa Fuze for when Xenu returns to reimpose his galactic dictatorship. Sansa Fuze is coming with me, Gary. But I can offer you this free personality test.

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