“Damn the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player! I wish I may never hear of the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player again!”

As the courtroom gasped, the judge hammered his gavel to restore order. Arching an eyebrow toward the accused, he cleared his throat and spoke. “Very well. The accused may have his wish. You, Nolan Phillips, are to spend the rest of your natural life without access to, or information about, the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player. You are to carry out this sentence on warships of the United States Navy, with no right to ever again set foot on the soil of any nation where the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player is sold.”

The gasping kicked up a notch. The prisoner strove to maintain a defiant mien. “Uh, OK, but why the boats? Couldn’t I just go to jail on dry-”

“You heard me. Take him away.”

And so it was. At first, Phillips insisted he had no need for the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player, for its 15 hours of playback time on one charge, for its FM tuner or voice recorder – not even for its easy drag-and-drop transfer of MP3, WMA, WAV, and Audible files. But as the years passed, the lonely, quiet years, he realized with dawning horror the magnitude of his mistake. Finally, as he fell ill with the malady that would take his life, he called weakly for the ship’s chaplain.

The chaplain entered Phillips’s quarters on the ship to find the whole room turned into a kind of shrine to the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player. Above his bed was painted a Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player with lightning blazing from its headphone jack. A banner draped across his bedstead inscribed with the words COMPACT AND CONVENIENT MUSIC ON THE GO. There, on the bed, lay the dying man. The chaplain began to intone the last rites, but Phillips waved him quiet.

“Forget that. I need only one thing to send me from this plane in peace: tell me about the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player. Is it still compatible with most subscription-based music services?” The chaplain purred that yes, yes, it was.

“And the Equalizer modes, tell me about those.” The chaplain recited the names: Rock, Pop, Jazz, Classical, and Custom.

Waiting for another question, the chaplain noticed that Phillips hadn’t moved, spoken, or blinked in some 30 seconds. The chaplain felt for a pulse, listened for a breath, found none. Nolan Phillips had passed, dreaming of the Sansa Clip Black 4GB MP3 Player, wearing a smile and knowing a peace available only to characters in clumsy allegorical fables.

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