Hey there, new guy! Welcome to your new “career environment”! We can’t wait to absorb your consciousness into our collec… I mean, get to know you better!

We like to think of ourselves as a family here at Corporation Corp. A big, wacky family of different people of varying talents who strive daily to make our grandparents proud. And by “grandparents”, I mean “stockholders”. And by “proud”, I mean “very very rich”.

So now that we’ve gone around the room and introduced ourselves, let’s talk about “community building”! This is our little way of creating inter-office relationships with fun games and crazy events that we can all enjoy together in the most mandatory way possible! After all, you wouldn’t miss out on playing Washers with your cousins, aunts, and uncles at the family reunion, right? The only difference is that every day here at Corporation Corp. is a family reunion full of trust falls, three-legged races, and emotion circles where we pass around the Sharing Maraca and talk about how we feel about ourselves. Our studies have shown that this is the best way to promote a close bond with your co-workers, helping nurture incredible feelings of guilt and remorse when you fail at your daily tasks.

But that’s not all, brand new work buddies! Our weekly movie nights are just as exciting and enforced as everything else we do here. Every Wednesday evening, we all file into the company auditorium and enjoy a lovely film about our company on our Samsung BD-P1590 BD-Live 2.0 Blu-Ray Player. You’ll enjoy truly ripping yarns about our CEO and corporate culture in vivid and crystal clear high-definition 1080p resolution, not to mention streaming media from Blockbuster, Netflix, YouTube, and Pandora. We can even chat with our Cleveland office during the movie thanks to BD-Live 2.0 Ready technology. And did I mention popcorn is free? It is! That’s how you know just how much we appreciate you being here.

Now then, if you’ll all just form a line over here next to the badge office with your information sheets and blood samples, that would be swell. Oh, and make sure you drink some of our complimentary Kool-Aid. It’s divine.

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