When it comes to MP3 player performance, I expect 110%. And I am continually disappointed, because that’s mathematically impossible.

But unless you’re as psychotically committed to excellence as I am – and you’re not – you’ll make do with the Rio Carbon Pearl 6GB MP3 Player. Personally, I just laugh at its puny hard drive: if you’re only going to carry 1500 songs with you, why not just stick with a Walkman and a 60-minute cassette? 20 hours of battery life may sound impressive to you, but I can go 61 hours without sleeping, so yeah, big whoop. And to those of us who are holding out for USB 3.0, the Rio Pearl’s USB 2.0 connection is worthy only of our derision and contempt.

I know it’s not “cool” to insist on absolute optimum performance in every facet of my life. I understand that it’s “normal” to slog through the swamp of mediocrity, never complaining when your microwave doesn’t pop every kernel of microwave popcorn. I know people think it’s “weird” that I throw away a pair of shoes if the laces ever come untied, even once. So yeah, this Rio Pearl is probably fine for you. No, if you’ll excuse me, I have to gold-plate my stereo cable connectors.

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