Leaders of superpowers! Next time you feel like firing off a few ICBMs, launch little RCBMs in their stead. It’s just as therapeutic for you, but millions don’t die in nuclear armageddon. So that’s a plus.

Cynthia at the next desk is not like us. She does not share our values. For example, we value workspace walls that aren’t covered with creepy pictures of babies dressed as potted plants.

Cynthia at the next desk hates us for our freedom and prosperity. Well, maybe not “prosperity”—we make the same exact wage, actually. But we get to spend more of ours on beer and DVDs than she does, because we don’t have any kids.

If she could, Cynthia at the next desk would impose her lifestyle on us. She’s always issuing proclamations to that effect. “When you get married, you’ll understand!” “Don’t your parents want grandchildren?” “Oh, when you get to be my age, you won’t be able to eat rich food like that for lunch anymore.”

A world ruled by Cynthia at the next desk would be a bleak and joyless one, indeed. One without laughter. One without love. Seriously, have you heard how she talks to her husband on the phone?

If our desk should come under Cynthia’s control, who knows which desk might fall next? It is imperative that we defend our freedom not only for our own sake, but in the name of liberty for all those who share this office.

It is for all those who love their freedom, then, that we MUST invest in still more remote-control missile-launching tanks. We must drive each vehicle into position, then aim the rotating launchers on these tanks to precisely target Cynthia’s chair. Mutual destruction is NOT assured! If we strike first, and destroy the seat of power, and the lumbar support of power, we can survive and prevail!

But we add these RC tanks to our already awesome weapons stockpile in the hopes that we should never use them. Heaven forbid, if the day should come that we are forced to launch our terrible foam arsenal, we will do what is necessary—but we will take no pleasure in it.

OK, maybe a little, when the missile-launcher sound effects play. But we won’t let it show.

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